I said I needed to talk… you said you are done with this conversation. So I’ll talk to the cyber universe. Where no one is listening, but anyone could be.
Riddle me this, cyber universe: how do you talk to a friend about something when they refuse to talk, yet in the same measure, they are doing all the talking? When their mouths keep moving– or in today’s day and age, the words keep appearing on screen– but nothing is being said, no ground is gained in understanding. They are defending and deflecting. Diluting and dodging.
And I am digging. I don’t bring up the little this or the little that. I internalize it. I know there are many not in favor of this tactic, those that say, “don’t let it build up,” but for me, I don’t have the focus or energy to bring up everything that bothers me. Plus, I recognize that every thing that is bothering me will not always be legitimate or worth discussing and dissecting. It could just be me. Life is a give and take, where someone is always slightly ahead but it wavers so often that it isn’t worth counting. Not for me, anyway. So I wait until it hits a breaking point where I’ve had it.
When I actually do bring up the need to talk something toward a resolution, I’ve reached a point where action is necessary to move forward. And selfishly I think, “well, if I need to talk about this, surely you will grant me that time, that energy to make sure I return to a balanced place where I can again give to you.”
Alas, I am wrong. Pushed aside and dismissed. Belittled, questioned and ridiculed. That’s actually the way things usually go these days. “What’s up, asshole?” is the way you greet me. It’s just a joke, you’d argue, have a sense of humor. Well, the funny thing is that I used to have a fantastic sense of humor, but it’s grown tired. It’s had to field too many acceptances of fault, faux insults and alter personalities. I never know when I’m fucking in or I’m fucking out. You wait for the moment where you can call me out, call my bluff, expose a perceived lie or prove me wrong. Do you know what it feels like to know that your best friend is waiting to point out your shortcomings? It feels like that person is actually not a best friend but a frenemy.
What are you trying to prove to me? Or yourself?
You may chalk this one or that one up to “taking a negative” because you think you know me well enough to know what’s traveling through my brain. But what you’ve failed to see if that I’ve only broached a conversation because the negative side is feeling overly full and I love you enough to try to restore that balance before I’m decidedly over it. And I’m telling you, I’m definitely overdrawn. I can only buy you or make you so many meals, give you so many back rubs, deliver on so many promises, bring you so many things, listen and help so many times and encourage so many actions before I’m empty. In a balanced human relationship, you would be doing these things, too, so it wouldn’t seem unfair. But you only say you will do them, or do them once in a while to lay a claim in defense of yourself in an argument. In reality, you act like I’m a burden on your life. I wonder where I would land if I counted how many times a day you say you will do something that you will never do. Or worse that you ask me– a person of action, not words– to do something, only to change your mind, having wasted my time. I can’t start counting now, it already feels like too much. Plus it’s yet another waste of my time and I’m trying to cut down on those.
I need you to do more, promise less.
The worst part to me is that you excuse your own behavior. All of it. You have a reason for everything and though we joke that for you it’s “not you, it’s everyone else” but truth be told, it ain’t a joke. You truly live in that space and it’s something that others can only take for so long.
I don’t perceive myself to “bug” you. I do call to say hi to my best friend for no reason (and in those cases don’t ever care if you don’t call back) but otherwise, don’t contact you pointlessly. But you do make me feel as though I do. That is the message that unreturned texts, IM’s and calls communicate; that I am not worth a response. Time spent physically with you is not time spent with you if you are not talking to me. If I wanted to watch someone sleep, or make them food and take care of them, or rub on them, I would get a cat. A pet. Not a friend.
I honest-to-goodness do not care what your excuse is. You are forgetful, tired, I’m not the only one… etc. etc….blah blah blah… yada yada yada. I. don’t. care. Excuses get me no where, they don’t show me that you understand or care. They show me that you want the conversation to be over sooner.
I’ve had so many excuses in my life and frankly, I’m no longer accepting excuses. It’s easier for me to pack it up and walk away. I will put up the wall, climb back into my shell and crab walk my merry tail on its way. I’m over the one-way relationships that involve energy leaving me never to return again. I’m sorry that you are not yet mature enough to treat me like I’m important to you. I’m certainly not asking for romance. I’m asking for respect. And you have made it more than abundantly clear that you do not respect the Sleeus’.
I’ll take my place in the back of the line. And I won’t forget the path I took here, either.
5 Comments
May 11, 2009 at 12:35 am
Wow, I feel like you’re writing about MY “friendship” with a certain someone. Being a “burden” totally hit home really hard. Some “friends” need to learn to be better humans.
May 11, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Is it me? HA, just kidding.
June 15, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I relate to you completely. I found your blog by googling “You treat me like I’m nothing…”. I’m always the one putting all the effort into relationships. I crave stability. I want to be grounded in my life, but I put to much emphasis on relationships because they are really really important to me. My parents had a horrible relationship full of fighting and turmoil. I internalize things because I do not want to be involved in these dramatic antics and the aftermath that insues. I avoid conflict. And then… when I have hit a point where I am ready to talk about things, I too expect others to make time for me, as I have for them. But the world is not that easy. People are not like me. Humans are a self-centered egotistical race who’s actions speak decibels louder than their words. What can one do? I guess that I too will pick up the pieces of my shattered self, hang my head in anger, and trudge on, to the back of the line and join you.
September 3, 2009 at 2:54 pm
[...] to my breaking point and I self-centeredly admit that I don’t understand why. If we were here four months ago, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that it hasn’t gone away or [...]
November 2, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This is exactly how I feel. I’ve never been able to put it into words but you just did it. But I don’t know what the solution is ?